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Many Hollywood insiders were baffled when Star Wars, a mildly popular franchise that has never rendered multiple generations of otherwise right-thinking people incapable of critical thought, announced a seventh movie. Over the past two decades, very little had been written on the internet about Star Wars, and almost nobody had expressed their enthusiasm about excruciatingly minor details of the franchise, so it seemed risky to make a brand new movie. There was a strong chance it might be a massive failure and only make something like six billion dollars on its opening weekend.

Any naysayers were of course proven wrong, likely buried beneath a pile of t-shirts which, get this: mashed up aspects of Star Wars and other pop culture franchises. (They thought of everything folks!) The Force Awakens was a massive hit. Experts estimate that the value of BB-8 merchandise thrown away thus far is more than the Fantastic Four movie made last summer. Those same experts went on to point out that maybe we shouldn’t be buying so much Star Wars crap when the average household income worldwide is well under ten thousand dollars, but we inserted our earplugs that look like Lor San Tekka so they couldn’t harsh our buzz.

But once you get past the hype and merchandising, Star Wars really delivers the goods: Hot, bubbly pandering basted in a house-made nostalgia reduction sauce. All your favorite characters are back, or at least updated to appeal to international markets and the demographics who have been determined to command top purchasing power over the next two decades. Sand makes a cameo appearance. We unfortunately cannot say the same for Stinky the Hutt.

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current04:55, May 5, 2016Thumbnail for version as of 04:55, May 5, 201601:36480 × 269 (25 KB)Sugarraydodge (wall | contribs)created video


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